| = VP | Corina Gina Papouis [24.Nov.08 00:48] |
| A mellow tone, somewhat depicting the rhythm of hibernation, soul hiding within… I would have used ‘I’m listening TO the opening frost’, but I guess either way is ok. ..and yes, we do 'grow thinner' Good job, yet again. Cheers, Corina | |
| = Victor | Cezara Popescu [24.Nov.08 17:58] |
| I like the beginning as well as the rounding-off of your poem; however the middle stanza "so torpid....tacky nods" needs some re-editing because it appears clumsy and unclear in English. ...the old English form of you is "thee", "thy" is the genitive form. Kind regards, Cezara | |
| = Answers Corina & Cezara | Victor Potra [25.Nov.08 11:20] |
| Corina, thanks for the “push-up” welcome bonus :)) As you may see, this is a translation of one of my Romanian poems. I had to move quite away from the original text, in order to keep the feeling. I would appreciate to take a look also at the RO version and to compare stuff. I know that correct is “listening to”, thanks for the tip. What I need to learn in time is what words I can “skip” in English (as I do sometimes in Romanian), without damaging the meaning or the grammar :)) Thanks again. Cezara, very useful observations, thanks you. I tried some reediting, I hope now that the “middle stanza” is better. Same invitation for you, if you have time: to compare to the Romanian version. Well, the beginnings are always difficult, happy to be surrounded by friendly voices. V. | |
| = nice work | Cezara Popescu [25.Nov.08 14:50] |
| Victor, I had already read your Romanian version, and now reread it: I like the way you reprocessed the middle stanza.It flows more naturally now, and I can see that you stepped away from the Rom. text which is to be appreciated, by someone passionate about translation as I am. I really like " the filmy space between us" bit, and the whole atmosphere of the poem is well-defined and sort of flowing at the same time. it sends back to poems by Robert Frost. Friendly yours, Cezara | |
| = addenda! | Marius Surleac [25.Nov.08 15:37] |
| First of all I have to come with some additional explanations to what Cezara said: the old English form for "you" is "eow" - "thee" is the old objective form for "thou", "thy" is the possessive form of "thou" and is an adjective. Second, here is how I see your poem in translation; of course some words are changed in a more correct form (ex. “breathers” – as a short pause or rest): “hibernation strikes swiftly I listen the former frost benumbs all the breathers for long awaited freezes in the clear space between us a steppe wind run the crystallized chills I still hope thee snowed lightly by one wish at a hundred of tacky gestures we get thinner I nod for now before the big freeze smiles” You can choose now different slices from this version or you can let it as it used to be before. Cheers, Marius | |
| = Marius, thanks a lot! | Victor Potra [28.Nov.08 02:49] |
| You proved to be a really wonderful friend with this great “addenda”! I hope we’ll have the chance again to discuss face to face, sooner than later, and we’ll be able to debate even more how to keep a feeling through translation. Thanks again. NB. Maybe you could remind to Radu about approval for translations (you remember the Deko issue...) Now I have another one waiting... :) Thanks. Victor | |